I Got Dumped & Here’s What I Learned

Recently I experienced the “death” of a close friendship like I have never experienced before. It’s hard for me to speak about, to rip myself open and lay it bare, because if I’m honest, the rejection stings a bit. It makes me feel like a failure.

In any case, hurt should bring some kind of growth. So here is my {simplified} story.

My friend was hurt by something for a long time – by something I never in a million years considered an intentional slight.

Because she felt rejected and left out, my friend distanced herself and instilled a coldness into our interactions. While I sensed this new space, I considered that maybe that she was busy, or distracted or maybe she just didn’t like me as much anymore. In any case, I kept trying to reach out … walk to school pickup together … or whatever. Communication dropped off. I assumed this was a natural distancing over the summer that we would remedy later.

When something else happened that made her feel left out, she blocked me on social media. I have no idea how long after that that I realized it, but when I did I texted her immediately and asked what I did to offend her. We agreed to a conversation a couple weeks later.

What resulted was a lot of hostility and effectively the end of our friendship. I got dumped.

As I’ve processed through the burn and yes, the LOSS, of this relationship, I’ve been trying to glean what I’m supposed to be learning. I mean, here I was, blogging all summer about friendship, while one blows up in my face. #facepalm   So, what was I going to do with this now?

Here’s what I learned from this:

  1. It hurts to be left out. We have all experienced this. My husband and I both have been left out of exclusive groups or friend circles that our close friends are part of. It’s not an easy pill to swallow. Thanks to social media we all get to see how often our friends get together without us. Do we let that eat us alive? Do we stuff it down till it explodes? Or do we realize that we have a tribe too, we are happy for the connections that others have, and we need to be grateful for “our” people? Are we including people as much as we can? Are we planning things with various friend groups to keep people from this horrible feeling of being left out?
  2. Communication is a lost art. When someone hurts me, it’s only fair to tell them. I have a blunt personality and if my words hurt someone, it’s not fair or kind to keep me in the dark. Otherwise I have no opportunity for change or growth. On the flip side, I have been hurt by people and not always dealt with it in the healthiest way. Last summer I had a conflict with one of my dearest friends. Once I opened up about my hurt, it gave her the opportunity to say “I would NEVER intentionally hurt you! I LOVE you and care about your feelings!” Without communication, there can be no healing.
  3. Social media is not a weapon. Don’t take your hurts to the Internet. I’m guilty of this in the past. Just don’t. You can hide posts (yours and theirs), but don’t just unfriend or block without an explanation. {See my previous post HERE}
  4. Assigning motives to other people is never a good idea. Remember that old saying about the spelling of the word ASSUME … when you assume something you make an “ass” out of “u” and “me.” Nothing could be more true. When we stop drawing conclusions about someone else’s motivations, we might find ourselves with a lot less hurts to deal with in the first place. {A cure for this is self-awareness and vulnerability and compassion … see my post about that HERE}
  5. Hostility may reveal a deeper issue. If someone seems overly hostile to you about a seemingly small issue, realize there could be issues under the surface that you have no idea about. Pray for them, and do whatever you can to bring peace, even if it means walking away.
  6. My own insecurity is easily revealed. It doesn’t take much to throw us back to middle school, does it? The level of despair I feel at being “not liked” and the paranoia I experience about what may or may not be said about me are just maddening.
  7. Whenever possible, live at peace. Even if things aren’t as they were, they shouldn’t have to be nasty.   We can be courteous and kind, in all circumstances.

 

This friendship may never re-kindle. And I have to be all right with that. Sometimes it’s ok to just let people walk out of your life. I just breathe, process, learn, grow … and move on.

 


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s